Gwynedd & Guy

Hop aboard the boat to Flavortown

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Look. It’s a pigchef making Guy’s Ginger Pork Potstickers. Why are pigchefs always such sick fucks? (P.S. I’m about to do what pigchef is doing … but I’m gonna use people meat.)

Look. It’s a pigchef making Guy’s Ginger Pork Potstickers. Why are pigchefs always such sick fucks? (P.S. I’m about to do what pigchef is doing … but I’m gonna use people meat.)

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Recipe eight: Chicago Italian Beef Sandwich

You know what really whets my wet sandwich appetite? WET SANDWICH ANECDOTES. The story of Guy’s first encounter with a gravy-drenched Italian Beef Sandwich goes something like this …

He was in an airport in Chicago and found an Italian beef stand. The guy at the counter noticed Guy’s last name on his credit card and gave him a hard time because he’s of Italian descent, but had never had an Italian beef sandwich, which isn’t exactly fair since Guy’s last name is “Ferry” in real life and since no one who doesn’t live in Chicago knows what an Italian beef sandwich is.

Then everything gets worser.

"My mouth is watering just remembering what happened next. With that first bite of salty wet beef [winces], soggy bun [whimpers], hot pepper, and the crunch of vinegary, sweet, and salty giardiniera, I thought I was going to die [emboldened by him, not me — I was busy breaking out in a cold sweat, then vomiting]. I engulfed the whole thing, then went back for another [no!]. As I unwrapped the second sandwich on the plane [NO!], the aromas wafted out, and let’s just say my fellow passengers experienced some major sandwich envy.”

I’m gonna g’head and guess there’s a 75 to 85 percent chance Guy mistook looks of horror and disgust for looks of sandwich envy.In fact, I bet the person sitting immediately beside him was so “envious,” they spent the rest of the flight locked in the bathroom, feigning illness and reading US Weekly. It should be against TSA rules to bring anything with “aromas” that “waft” onto a plane. Especially meat sandwiches that are wet and are being “engulfed” by a man who’s already filled with and covered in a previous sandwich’s gravy.  

Hi. I currently live in Chicago. So, I happen to know what an Italian Beef Sandwich is. Come closer and I’ll tell you what it is, but only if you promise not to tell the Italians or the Chicagoans that I said it … IT’S A FRENCH DIP WITH PICKLED PEPPERS ON IT. Shhhh. Our secret. You guys are my best friends.

Hey, look. The ingredients. OOPS. And I already lied about you guys being my best friends. Charles Shaw is my best friend, obviously …

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Filed under guy fieri italian beef chicago wet meats

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Ingredients: Fat faceparts, hair, and bleach. Be sure to vote! 

And HEY! Next recipe up: Guy’s Chicago Italian Beef Sandwich. Ingredients: Fat faceparts, hair, and bleach. 

Ingredients: Fat faceparts, hair, and bleach. Be sure to vote! 

And HEY! Next recipe up: Guy’s Chicago Italian Beef Sandwich. Ingredients: Fat faceparts, hair, and bleach. 

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Recipe seven: Red Rocker Margarita Chicken Sandwich

Last year, a former “Diners, Drive-ins and Dives” producer accused Guy Fieri of being a gross pig who hates gay people and requires advanced notice if he’s going to have to interact with them on his program.  

Reasons to believe this is true: Just look at the guy

Reasons to believe this is not true: Just look at the guy. He wears more accessories than Charles Nelson Reilly (RIP). And spends more time at the salon than Charles Nelson Reilly (RIP). Also, he is very profoundly in love with Sammy Hagar …

"I’m a rocker, so of course I’m a Sammy Hagar fan," Guy writes. Well, of course. That’s like saying, "I’m a dinglebag, so of course I have a two-toned goatee."

Let’s read on …

"… Sammy found out that I was cooking with his Cabo Wabo tequila … so we decided that he’d come up to Johnny Garlic’s to talk about tequila. I pulled up in my new Corvette just as Sammy pulled up in his GT500. So we immediately went over to each other’s cars and started covering the specs. It was so cool, like I’d known him all my life."

Aw. Soulmates. But in a tequila-titties-and-cars-related, totally-not-gay way.  

How do we tell our platonic lovers how we feel? WE MAKE SANDWICHES ABOUT THEM. Red Rocker Margarita Chicken Sandwiches. 

Hey. “Why is Sammy Hagar called the Red Rocker?” is a question I asked that I didn’t know I’d ever want answered. "Sammy Hagar almost always wore red leather outfits onstage, especially as a solo performer." Also, not gay. 

Guy’s love for Sammy is very much a mutual thing! Hagar recently appeared on one of Guy’s hundred-or-so television programs “Guy’s Big Bite” and subsequently posted pictures on his blog, on  which he calls Guy his “brother from another mother.” Let’s take a look …

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Filed under guy fieri sammy hagar red rocker sangwiches

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Next up: the Red Rocker Margarita Chicken Sandwich, a sandwich inspired by Guy’s love affair with Sammy Hagar. Secret ingredient: curly, old man hair.

Next up: the Red Rocker Margarita Chicken Sandwich, a sandwich inspired by Guy’s love affair with Sammy Hagar. Secret ingredient: curly, old man hair.

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Recipe six: Tex Wasabi’s Koi Fish Tacos

Oh, hi. OK. I know what you’re thinking: Who is a Tex Wasabi? Why do fish tacos belong to him? And why would I want to eat them. These are questions that have more than one answer. Come with me …

According to this illustration from “Cookin’ It. Livin’ It. Lovin’ It,”  Tex Wasabi is a version of the intense, mustachioed cowboy from the Village People, but more specifically a version that has intimacy with fish. An aside: that koi didn’t see any of this coming. If fish eyes could talk, those would be doing so very loudly. 

The second answer is that Tex Wasabi is the fictional namesake of two of Guy Fieri’s funky, Mexi-Asian-fusion restaurants in California. Notice the phonetic similarity between Guy Fieri and Tex Wasabi. It’s almost like that’s what Guy would have renamed himself if he had the opportunity to rename himself. Oh, wait he DID RENAME HIMSELF glaglaglaglag — show your face, “Guy Ferry”

I’ll g’head and let Guy explain the Tex Wasabi fish taco. Words like “funky” and “crust” have more gravitas when spat from his lips …

I have a thing for making food from scratch that breaks away from the traditional styles and methods. So in making fish tacos I wanted to go beyond the usual grilled method and do them in my own funky way. I pushed it to another level by frying the fish in tempura batter and panko crust.

No, I don’t actually use koi in this recipe, but koi fish are reminiscent of Asia and tattoo art, and you know I gotta have fun with the name. Yee-haw! 

Fish! In a tortilla! WHAT AN INVENTION. Thank God there’s a funky twist in the form of fried fish. I’m not trying to be rude (YES I AM) but aren’t lots of fish tacos made with fried fish? Answer me. Alright, fine. Don’t. 

I had three nice friends over to enjoy Tex’s tacos with me. And if there’s anything I’d like for you to know about me (besides that I’m obviously, profoundly, and obsessively in love with Guy Fieri), it’s that I know how to entertain company.

Hors d’oeuvres …

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Recipe five: “I’ve got the need for fried cheese”

Guy Fieri, you sonofabitch, you did it. All these years spent cramming my maw full of fried mozzarella sticks (this is not a tale I’m telling —  lookit me last Superbowl Sunday, when this blog was but a glimmer in my groin or whatever) and forever feeling like something was missing. There was a hole that needed to be filled with flavor, a weeping wound begging for a salty salve. Leave it to Guy. He sniffed out that hole — and he filled it with salami.

OK, so it’s already cheese. And it’s already deep fucking fried. And you’re thinking that Guy is just being gross by adding an additional, unhealthy component and wrapping the mozzarella in a couple slices of slappity deli meat before it’s breaded and boiled in oil. Well, stop for a second with the knee-jerky, granola-crunching, Liberal cacapoo and hear the man out, will you … 

I said it once and I’ll say it a million times … if you’re gonna eat something that’s not supposed to be good for you (like fried cheese) then eat the over-the-top, super-duper (yep, I said it, “super-duper” version of it. 

DIONYSIAN HEDONISM. The best part is that this dish appears in the “For Kids” section of the book. By the time our youngsters’ arteries are clogged up, we’ll all have mechanical hearts manufactured by Dyson (with no unpleasant buffeting).

THE INGREDIENTS … 

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Filed under fried cheese flavor holes salami phallic imagery