Gwynedd & Guy

Hop aboard the boat to Flavortown

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Recipe one: the Garlic-Onion Tortilla Stack

Have you ever looked at a cake and been, like, “I would be much more interested in consuming that cake if it was made out of tortillas and a slippery concoction of onions and garlic and mayonnaise?” I’m sorry. Have you ever looked at a cake and NOT thought you’d be more interested in it if it was a slippery-slappity stack of tortillas and onions and garlic and mayonaise? Heh. (Thumbs nose, grabs crotch.) Didn’t think so. (I’m staring at myself in the mirror right now.)

And, hi. Since this is the first recipe I made for writing about, let’s establish some things. For one, there will be no rhyme nor reason to the order in which I make these dishes. I happened to start with something that was toward the front of the book (i.e. something in the “Appe-tapas” chapter) because the ingredients were cheap, because I like saying “Appe-tapas” aloud and often, and because this particular recipe seemed like an important place to start. Reasons why the Garlic-Onion Tortilla Stack is important: 

— It is a thing that Guy serves at his restaurant, Johnny Garlic’s! We know this because he mentions it in the cookbook, but alsoooo because — in a display of erotic hubris — Guy actually visited Johnny Garlic’s on an episode of “Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives.” And used his pudgy fingers to put the food he invented into his mouth. And then used phrases like “out-of-bounds” to describe the food. 

— From the slicing of the very first onion to the grilling of the final slice, the Garlic-Onion Tortilla Stack takes around 30 hours to make. 

So, another thing to establish: I did and will continue to not follow directions, because 30 hours is not a reasonable amount of time to spend making anything that’s just gonna slide out of my pooper less than 30 hours later (God willing). In my smelly hellhole of a galley kitchen (not a euphemism for my pooper), refrigerating the onion-garlic-mayo mixture for at least four hours = putting it in the freezer for an hour while I watched “Half-Ton Mom,” a TLC program about a 900 lb. woman electing to have gastric bypass surgery. And then dying almost immediately. What an awful show. Refrigerating the constructed tortilla stack for the recommended 12-24 hours = 45 minutes in the freezer while I mourned the death of Half-Ton Mom.

Other things I didn’t do right: my stack of tortillas was the wrong number of layers because I used too much of the garlic-onion schmutz between the first few and ran out way too soon. And I don’t have a grill, so I used a grill pan instead, which is really nothing like grilling a thing over flames. But my Garlic-Onion Tortilla Stack came out well! Looked just like the picture! And tasted just like paper! Kidding, but I was underwhelmed with the flavor. So lets focus on appearances and pretend it tasted great. 

The ingredients. Jim Beam wasn’t one of them. And I didn’t drink any whilst cooking. I just want you guys to think I’m cool, is all. Whoever you are out there … (Julie Powell moment) …

So many onions. Four cups. You know what you can’t do with four cups of onions in a pan that size? Brown them. I ended up splitting them into two separate pans because I’m a problem solver and an ideas person …

RIP. Meanwhile the garlic, onion, mayonaise, parmesan, and cilantro mixture is congealing in the freezer. Makes me feel like I’m mocking Half-Ton Mom …

It’s becoming a thing …

A finished slice. Grill marks make all things look delicious …

The face I made to convey how it tasted. I’m sorry …

Filed under guy fieri garlic-onion tortilla stack cookin' it livin' it lovin' it

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