I’m kinda-sorta between jobs right now, which is great because it means I have even more time than usual to hang out at discount stores, and peruse dented canned goods and almost-expired condiments. I’m sorry. Did I say condiments? I meant FOOD LUBES. Oh, no, but that’s so gross. Well, I don’t make sexually suggestive names for food items, I just play by them.

Guy really does use the term “food lube” in the intro to the “Sauces, rubs, and marinades” section of “Cookin’ it. Livin’ it. Lovin’ it.” I’d show you, but I tore out all the pages and burned them because I HAVE ALL THE SAUCES I’LL EVER NEED NOW. I hit the mother lode at the Big Lots on West Diversey in loverly Chicago, Illinois: Guy’s line of funky sauces and salsas, each bottle and jar with a sad $2.50 price tag obscuring some or all of his tantalizing teriyaki face …

Has to be a little bit like writing a book and finding it in the discount bin at Borders, right? But only if it was a book you didn’t actually write, just one on which you slapped your name and image to expand your empire.

Alright, let’s talk lube. What we have here: 

— Guy’s Carolina #6, a “mop & slop” (eesh) sauce that also serves as a marinade.

— Guy’s Kansas City BBQ Sauce. 

— Guy’s Pacific Rim. It’s a BBQ and wok sauce. And also what Guy calls his a-hole. I’m sure of it. 

In order to make this an authentically “Fieri” experience, I sampled all of them with my hands. No one loves sampling sauce by sucking it off a pudgy digit quite s’much as Guy does. Except for me. 

Lube #1 = Carolina #6. The wet one. Tangy vinegarization that rapes your taste buds right in their rectums. I’m hoping to land a job in copywriting. 

#2 = Kansas City. IT’S A MASTERPIECE. Like, it might just be repackaged K.C. Masterpiece. I put it back in the bottle after I touched it with every finger.

“DO I HAVE SOMETHING ON MY FACE?” Who am I? C’mon, who does that? Fine, I don’t know either. 

#3 = Pacific Rim. The bottle says it’s “great on its own” and I got excited. (Also, I thought this was funny until my face started burning.)

A thing called Dirty Bird Sketti coming up next …