You know what’s a real hassle? Besides having segments of your beard meticulously bleached on a bi-weekly basis? DIPPING FOOD IN CONDIMENTS. UGH. Picking up french fry after french fry, hefting each over to a puddle of Hidden Valley Ranch, then bringing the deep-fat-fried and white-fat-drenched crinkle-cut piece of potato all the way up to your mouth. BUT WHAT’S THE SOLUTION?
An air guitar-playing Guy Fieri slides into the room on his knees and says, “Foods with condiments IN them, motherfuckers.” He shoves his hands in his pockets, and when he pulls them out he’s got an onion ring jammed between each pair of fat fingers. This exact thing might have actually happened in real life …
So, listen. The bad news I should break to you is that Guy hasn’t gotten around to creating ranch-filled french fries yet (it’s an idea with legs — big, fat legs). He has, however, gotten around to creating onion rings with a mixture of ketchup and sriracha sauce deep fried INTO them, underneath their breading. What’s gross is I still dipped them in ranch.
HERE COME THE INGREDIENTS …
The man who made the panko is a notorious womanizer, but an excellent lover, and also Asian and penisey sounding.
Oh, and if you ever are in an Asian market that sells these, I highly recommend them. The candy that sounds like sneezing, but tastes much better.
Here’s a breading station. The onion rings are soaking in low-fat milk because I didn’t have buttermilk. No. I had buttermilk, but it was several weeks old (how long ago did I make those Smash Mouth Potatoes?) and it had turned into something else altogether.
I couldn’t figure out how to dip them in the gloppy ketchup mixture, then breadcrumbs, and not wash my hands every single time. Wet hand-dry hand didn’t work. So, shut up about it.
And, look. Rojo rings. Because they’re red and “rojo” means red in Spanish I think. I ate, like, two of them. Not because they weren’t fun, but because I kept picturing Guy’s pork-flavored knuckles pressed against them.